Odds are this has happened to you… Pushing your trolley round the supermarket, you find somebody else's handwritten shopping list discarded within it. Perhaps left littered loosely or snug tight in the little clipboard.
Milk. Eggs. Bread. is a gallery featuring 500 of them (below are 101 to 200) each given a unique humorous story. All persons, events, and institutions are fictitious so any resemblance is coincidental. Adult themes are explored and it is best enjoyed on a desktop.
101. Wilfred had heard you could now get food delivered. So he popped it in the post box and waited in the pub.
(back of 101)
102. Sophie had been using Excel all morning so picked up milk formula.
103. Quentin was keen to try this new eco marijuana so put it third on the list. He'd had enough of ecstasy and was placing spare E's anywhere now.
104. This was the most creative freedom Joel had ever been given. Five was the limit and he got to pick two to his liking!
105. Archie knew kitchen roll was a late edition. But who wrote it? Was it a trick? Was it like last Halloween?
106. Zayn arrived back with a selection of A4 packs and a sketchpad. His dad found them the most honest newspapers he had ever read.
107. Jacinda was flabbergasted when Noel came back to the mansion with navy blue gammon.
108. Why he hadn't put spring onions next to spring rolls, Valerie could not fathom. She knew nobody else who was so bohemian.
109. Ronan was so distracted by his really fast racing car that he bought meat for Wednesday and deodorant for the postman.
110. The cat would be happy but what human food did Camilla want him to get?
111. Kylian picked up a phone number's worth of items. Since the Navy incident, he always did as he was told.
112. For a second, Dylan considered whether the Tetley tea bags, Galaxy hot chocolate, posh milk, coconut water, or haemorrhoid gel would be good enough for his mum's birthday. In the end, he went to the pub.
113. When Tim reported back without his mother-in-law's milk, his wife exclaimed, "It's not all about you!" "I know," he replied, "Just ask courgettes."
114. Alecia was proud that she managed to mangle it so badly coming back with large bread and guilty fruit juice.
115. It simply had to be done there and then but Andy knew he had messed up when he tried to purchase a whole shop.
116. Bryan knew it was unlikely but still asked the teenager stacking shelves which aisle the libraries were in.
117. Hamish rang his mum to confirm she meant shampoo. And again about cling film. When he rang about graps, she told him to just come back to the flat.
118. Ava knew she would be okay if she got four wines. Mum would manage it.
119. Always put your drug orders up top, they told Alasdair in that workshop. People never spot it if its up top, they said.
120. Jackson only spent £2.43. How? Because he panicked about the Canesten and only bought peppers and dried mixed fruit.
121. Smithy from Gavin and Stacey went peckish that night.
122. Mason made sure to check out how 'ard each butter was by starting on them. He got battered.
123. What happened between Veg For Sunday and Stuffing to make them fall out so badly?
124. Monday 23rd was too far ahead to think about. Even Tegan next door never ordered for more than two days ahead. She does online now. They come straight to her door!
125. Alfred always said snooker was best when Embassy sponsored it. Nigel disagreed. He said it was too dragged out.
126. Tyler was suspicious because cat biscuits looked like different writing. He knew his sister had been teaching the kittens new tricks, but this?
127. Putting fruit at the bottom of the list seemed like madness to Charlotte. It's the first thing you see! However, she did it in reverse. It's what he would’ve wanted.
128. It wasn't underlined so John came back with a Keith alongside Dolmio bolognaise sauce and milk.
129. Because this film was an 18, Aiden was surprised his mum let him watch it.
(back of 129)
130. It was at this point that Chester broke down. There were no decent fresh cheesecakes.
131. Ant could take a guess at what was for dinner that night but couldn't guarantee it anymore after the curry incident.
132. Everything was written with such authority. Reggie was worried that eggs weren't yet sure enough of themselves.
133. Ethan prioritised the underlined things. It was a lottery.
134. Why was the hosiery in black and the rest in blue? For some reason, Caleb picked up blue tights for her.
135. Carlos arrived with July and August to disappointed faces in the kitchen.
136. Whether it was stuff for hospital or hospitality, Ben still thought paper plates would be a good purchase.
137. Linda was over the moon by spending less than the ton budget. Unfortunately, she only bought three things.
138. David got the telly magazine and went for a squiggle. He needed a sit down and could've done with a paper too.
139. Jayden thought it was saying he could only buy either beans, bacon, or mushrooms. He said it wasn't his fault.
140. The sketch of the egg made Deacon's life so much easier.
141. Luke didn't normally do the kids' friends' parties. So how was he meant to know Jake and Alex were separate people?
142. Rumour has this as still the most successful shopping outing of Daniel’s entire family. So much so that they left it in the trolley to inspire future generations.
143. Kyle must have been signing autographs at the time. Why else would you be carrying a pen like that?
144. Taylor couldn't complain. He doubted the instruction was just to stop and stare at the baskets, but he did it all the same.
145. Sarah brought back Thomas Ascot, Tommy Wright, and Tom Forsyth.
146. Although he knew his grandma liked to smoke, Patrick still thought she was asking for old clothing to wash the Mondeo with.
147. Bleach wasn't turning 30 until next year but it was so hard to find a 29th card.
148. Why he insisted the tissues be brown, Julia never wanted to know.
149. Nathan asked where he could put the rest of the bag as he took the required single Dorito.
150. It was his own list but still Jeremy had no idea what he meant by it.
151. Henry pondered whether something had secretly been removed towards the end so felt it best to destroy the document immediately after reading.
152. And so the most romantic night of Rebecca's life was soon to begin as Alexander diligently ticked things off his list.
153. Jason really wanted to test just how all-purpose it was by buying a lawnmower in the sale there and seeing if it made the blades sharper. It did not. It confirmed his moronic hypothesis.
154. Leah had been learning about all the different saints at school. But she had not yet heard of St. Beans.
155. Jon felt pressured having to bring the right breed and a queen.
156. The full stop at the end was final. Like an artist's sign off. Bridget was done.
157. Blake wondered if the bottom two had been relegated or whether it was a PSR thing.
158. Although he thought he knew what she meant, Joseph was pretty sure this place would never sell the sort of plugs he was imagining.
159. Sara had been planning this hot bath for a while but was fuming when Carlton got home with bathroom cleaning equipment.
160. Pete knew she meant crisps but the idea of him driving with used nappies made him chuckle.
161. Tristan had to wonder just how much time leaving two letters out saved her on double cream. Ironically, the time he spent wondering this meant he had to extend his time on the parking app.
162. Alice suddenly panicked thinking she had scribbled over the wrong bit and her son would get on the bus with a new pooch.
163. Because last night had been a heavy one, Steven was not surprised he had picked up 500 vinegars.
164. Bobby was a very popular customer. He always tipped on his way out.
165. In her anger at the Post Office scandal, Yvonne refused to visit there. In the end, she was glad the local Morrisons had a post-box beside the Peppa Pig ride machine.
166. Raquel had been accused too many times of searching for a drug dealer so made sure her shorthand for root vegetables left no interpretation.
167. The pooch was covered. The kitty was covered. The horse was covered. Now for the boring biscuits for her husband. Miriam was ready for the till.
168. Kayleigh only had a fiver on her but the scones seemed the most important bit. Milk missed out this time. Next time, milk. Next time.
169. The change in writing was one thing. The lack of values caused mayhem with the Hendersons' weekly shop.
170. Another case of someone going to Waitrose and coming back with a Tom, Tommy, and Thomas.
171. As an Oxford professor of literature, Matthew appreciated the irony of her coming back with tomatoes, oregano, and breadsticks.
172. The football party felt a little different. Some said it was because it was a boring 0-0. Others said it was because Mark's girlfriend had bought teddies rather than Carlings.
173. Fruit Teas, Teas, and Coffee were doing everybody else's heads in. They always stuck together and bitched about the other items.
174. 70 curries were ordered that night. Nobody moved the next day.
175. The time he saved shortening the items enabled Jonnie to swear another two times at the slow trolley mover in Aisle 9.
176. Having done a few years at MI5, Kate could tell the two capital M's were different. She sent it off for analysis and completely forgot to get bread.
177. With a first date to look forward to tomorrow, Mike wasn't sure it was the best thing to buy. But he went for it and got the cat food.
178. The difference between washing up liquid and washing liquid had already cause fractures in the household. Harriet was glad he'd learned his lesson but knew she could still use it for a future argument.
179. It was just a coincidence that his artist's signature looked like gratitude. She knew it was that because Trevor never ever thanked her.
180. Kieran took it as mockery of his speech impediment at first. Thankfully, he realised it meant ready meals. Not wholemeal.
181. Petrol and gas were the same thing in his eyes but Eithan did as he was told and went home with an illegal supply of nitrous oxide.
182. As a book publisher, it was natural that Maximilian enlarge the first letter on everything. Rachel, however, was sad to see her husband had supplied no glossary.
183. What had caused the riff between the top and bottom items was unclear to Chris and so he thought it better to keep them separate in the Mondeo.
184. Whatever news the letter brought, Sonny would have a right good knees-up with plenty of salad bits.
185. This was Abi's night and her night alone.
186. When Lily picked up Gideon's list, she guessed rightly about why the jumbo opaque sacks and washing liquid were left alone.
187. His pet name for her was Honey so she wondered if this were a secret letter directed to her. However, with the absent comma, she just bought everything on it instead.
188. Leaving little evidence behind, Roger had indeed got them something easy for supper.
189. Andrea was told there would be a shopping list for her and a poem for her sister to take. She left the shopping list and picked up the poem instead. She was sure because of the heading and semi-colons.
190. Katherine had recently come back from a sabbatical in the USA so thought it a bit off that she was expected to entice all of Congress to her dingy Peckham apartment.
191. The lovely lady at the till helped with three down. She had done it on her break. They had made her take the early one so Sue wasn't a happy teddy bear.
192. As he was in Lidl, Myles was a little scared asking which aisle the Asdas were. In the end, he made a wasted journey to Walmart's office unaware they were no longer involved.
193. When he asked the store assistant if she could show him his butter, Greg was politely asked to leave.
194. Luke couldn't believe his girlfriend had mistaken the V for an R and got them a whole new registration plate.
195. Daisy blushed as she read the little pet name they used for each other. They would always be each other's cauliflowers.
196. Everything was now sorted except the smelly flat. They would have rather the store run out of sugar and eggs than the very things Adam and Leo needed to cover the stench.
197. Laurence's mum just had to laugh when he parked up with other people's dirty dishes crammed into his boot.
198. Dorothy was horrified by the language. Never in all her years as a prison warden had she heard lavatories referred to in that way.
199. Why oh why she thought he would forget was beyond him! Still, Jimbo did forget and came back with six barbecues and a gazebo.
200. Two pizzas were bought but Gabriel was never confident this was the instruction. He never looked at the labels.