Odds are this has happened to you… Pushing your trolley round the supermarket, you find somebody else's handwritten shopping list discarded within it. Perhaps left littered loosely or snug tight in the little clipboard.
Milk. Eggs. Bread. is a gallery featuring 500 of them (below are 1 to 100) each given a unique humorous story. All persons, events, and institutions are fictitious so any resemblance is coincidental. Adult themes are explored and it is best enjoyed on a desktop.
1. Isaac was angry when it read "Hppy Brthdy". He had double vowels in his name. It hurt.
2. Sandra was bewildered when her hubby parked up with the U2 frontman in the passenger seat. Yet again, he hadn't found what she was looking for.
3. To qualify for the 'Six items or fewer' queue, Derek jettisoned toilet rolls. If only he had decided as quickly in the root veg aisle.
4. Helena was only on the third day of her production internship at Ready Steady Cook and was worried she'd missed something.
5. There was chaos as Joe knew it meant cheese but fancied getting a bit of a rook from chess instead.
6. Michael knew he must get half a dozen onions. It simply was not worth coming back with five.
7. That's when Julie knew it couldn't be drugs. It was pot plural.
8. Marcus certainly did not understand what he was volunteering for.
9. Belinda always thought Andrew didn't listen. She knew when he sauntered back with Christmas crackers.
10. Onions, oils, and oats. Ruth ended up just getting as many of them as possible. All the O's. Even a ring doughnut.
11. Vince was looking at properties with a massive room and acres of land.
12. Alexa felt silly asking the member of staff about chicken soup pads. Especially when the supervisor was called over.
13. The lack of decisiveness gave Casey options but he would have much preferred to know exactly what she wanted.
14. Vivien was perplexed when she drew out a lads magazine from the bag her grandson returned holding.
15. Was she saying they already had Kievs? Wanted Kievs? Needed Kievs? Leon picked up some just to be safe.
16. Date night was ready. Carl was excited.
17. What Peas had done, nobody knew. But they had certainly done something.
18. Rhiannon's boyfriend was a clever guy. But she was concerned about his understanding of the Gregorian calendar.
19. Mo left the naughty request to the bottom of the page. If she got them, she got them.
20. Amy drove back with 11 cows. Nobody laughed but everybody was impressed.
21. Rebekah came back with a young Belgian detective, the fifth month, and shouting jam.
22. When Felicity came back with 2Pac and fish cakes, her husband fainted.
23. Bradley was fed up of having to search behind the lemonades for cocaine sachets.
24. As he noticed someone else's discarded list for some reason, Kieran mused that cake and fish fingers did indeed appear pleasant in Bengali.
25. Linguine and Radox was always a phenomenal night for Winston.
26. Cody brought back batteries 90% charged.
27. Even Santa Claus does admin.
28. It was clear who the favourite pooch was. Rex was going to get three. Rocco, one.
29. Amanda was too distracted by the symbols at the bottom. If only she knew.
30. Jocelyn got coronation chicken and, just like that, the headache was gone.
31. As Sandy read up and down, she realised the proposed drainage plan overleaf was not to scale.
(back of 31)
32. Jess now understood why her father-in-law had called her an "apos-trophy wife".
33. Stephen knew he was masculine. He didn't need to write it down.
34. Unfortunately, Julian parked up with a bedtime spread and butter pants.
35. Joaquin had spelt it wrong, as per.
36. Mikel bought bread and bread in tubs. He knew he'd messed up.
37. The kids simply had the best night EVER!
38. Turns out you can buy moggies as well as learn at Lidl.
(back of 38)
39. Caroline and Anne's board game nights were legendary for their competitiveness. Never their spread.
(back of 39)
40. As if it warranted a question! Harry and Ruth did love their McCain's.
41. Yet again, Darius appeared with saucepans rather than spuds.
42. Ryan was so angry about the stray apostrophe that he tossed it to the floor. Later, it was picked up by a peculiar man who collects shopping lists. Odds are he does not have a girlfriend.
43. The French lessons were ever so slowly starting to pay off for Mick.
44. Bits for what?! Bits for what?! Karla knew there was a story there.
45. Izzy came back with cheese, salad, and cream. Phillip was angry but understood.
46. Natasha looked and looked for a Kevin but they had sold out.
47. Wipes were fuming. They were fed up of being combined with Toilet Roll again. Handwash could sympathise.
48. Dettol or petrol? Jack was pretty sure she wouldn't ask for petrol in the main store, but he did love topping up his Mustang.
49. Iain was left utterly befuddled. Various what?!
50. Breaking Bad had made it to Morrisons.
51. Alan knew he was in trouble when he picked up toilet rolls from Poundland instead.
52. With two C's, two T's, and two S's together, Sally wondered if it would be fun in alphabetical order next time.
53. Robert thought she'd asked for biscuits twice. He was in for it now. A real space cadet error!
54. Louise assumed he meant Coco Pops but checked the serial numbers nonetheless.
55. Fletcher had planned the finest date night in years.
56. Jay could not find a washing MC so rented a DJ instead.
57. "She didn't have mush room when putting that," muttered Ivan. His teachers were right. He was a born joker.
58. Elle did not know why sugar wasn't underlined but it seemed so much more important now.
59. Sabrina knew Aiden liked his commas but wondered why only milk had one.
60. If it had been just one thing, Rowen backed himself to not need a list. Once it was two, he was compelled.
61. Why was Claudia here if he'd scribbled everything out already?! A spectacular waste of time!
62. Travis was sure that children didn't come ready-made but they were requested so he gave it a good go.
63. Finley appeared with Golden Delicious stuck with thumb tacks.
64. So much time was saved with the missing letters, Adrian knocked 4.8 minutes of his record.
65. They all sat silent as nobody wanted to tell Angelica her maths had let her down again. Just like in the accountancy exam.
66. Corey hoped the nappies would be in better condition than his paperwork.
67. Declan was so good he did the job of two at five-a-side.
68. Thankfully, Selena had just been to Staples so had a plethora of pens available.
69. After Jacob had got everything, he turned it upside down and did it all over again.
70. Seth entered through the front door with multiple wives. He felt it probably didn't say that because there wouldn't be an F. But it was worth it. For now.
71. This was the list that kept on giving. They needed a cut and Katie got a papercut.
72. Duncan got the bread, milk, and chickpeas. Then stepped out to the carwash and came back for the photo frame, eye drops, and hairspray. He had a lot of time.
73. Grace was always a maverick. There were tick boxes but she still crossed them out.
74. Lorraine would have liked him to do a letter per square but it was true that he hadn't seen this type of paper since Old Lench's class in 1983.
75. Emma knew that was not all he wanted. But these three things is all he got.
76. Jeffrey backed himself as the funny one so ordered a John Cleese mask.
77. Terrence needed the needle to sew up the tattered list.
78. What was despos? Humphrey knew it was something but wasn't properly listening when she told him earlier.
79. Malcolm took the list to a museum but turns out it was just a shopping list his wife had made him.
80. Quinn liked chaos and her lists always reflected that.
81. Nate questioned whether the first item was an order to do something or an order to order something.
82. Pauline wondered if anybody had ever combined snooker, litter, and shopping lists.
83. Lewis could no longer tell the difference between the new clear milk lids. He wondered if anybody had ever collected them. They'd be a millionaire.
84. Alvin could see Colgate and Oral-B. But no Elizabeth.
85. Bailey hated that three of Faye's exes were on it. Tom, Lee, and the guy she only ever referred to as "Mr Muscle".
86. Was it a PIN or was she asking for 7,899 loo rolls? Elliott was happy with his guess.
87. Nikki could have sworn carrots were on the list. Whether it was a horse or dog, the carrots were gone.
88. Mel knew Sam liked margarine but enough to put an exclamation mark? She wasn't sure. Maybe it was just a semi-colon.
89. With just one thing on it, Nick seriously questioned why she thought this list necessary. Until he turned it over.
(back of 89)
90. Dean was glad of the definition of nectarines and bananas. Otherwise, he would have been looking in the cleaning aisle.
91. Three sections. Two milks. Sacha couldn't have meant this, could she?
92. Penelope's argument was that blue and red make purple. Hence, the purple Walkers.
93. Evie came back with a grandad. He stayed for the korma.
94. "Is a hoe dog a bitch?" That was what Luis wanted to say but sensibly just grabbed hot dogs.
95. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were sorted. According to their calendar, the world ended on Tuesday. But if not, they'd have yoghurts left. Kimberley could breathe. For now.
96. The guy at the till just laughed when Gerald asked about onioneos and lemoneos.
97. With two bullet points unaccounted for, Louis took it as a sign he had two free hits on whatever he fancied.
98. It was such art that Leroy felt compelled to sign it.
99. Ashton thought outlining the top two twice was a little much. Even with it, he still forgot both.
100. Leslie was sure this supermarket never did them. But then she saw the antlers.